People often think that the important good things in life should come naturally; by which they mean spontaneously and without effort. FYI, when you google “important things in life” this is the result:
Peace. Health. Family & Friendship. Purpose. Time. Learning. Love.
It’s expected (with the inference that if enough people expect it, it must be natural) to work hard on having a healthy body and mind, on our relationships, careers and basically all things valuable. It’s expected that we show intent towards reaching our goals and for our intent to be followed by specific actions to produce/ reach said goal.
Consciousness = Intention = Effort
With above in mind, I wonder why we so easily assume that to be happy (happiness) is something that happens without intent, without conscious effort? The same question applies to sex. Why are so many couples telling me how they miss spontaneous sex and that sex shouldn’t be planned (exclaiming, where’s the fun in that?!) and that good deeds done in a relationship should be spontaneous and come naturally; assumptions and expectations having a firm grip on the throat of the relationship.
William Tiller, a professor at Stanford University, discovered that our intentions and thoughts help to govern our eventual outcomes. He noted that belief pours fuel on the fire of expectations. And it is those expectations that drive our intention on both the conscious and subconscious levels.
If we belief that happiness, and sex for that matter, should be spontaneous and are natural elements of humankind, then we won’t work at it…and it will disappoint us. Our expectations will prevent us from realizing that these are intentional acts. Happiness, sex and spontaneity are human possibilities.
Spontaneity often happens within the intentional strive towards happiness; the spontaneous happens within the arranged. I may set the stage, but the outcome, although we may have our predictions, remain spontaneous. Consider this example: I set aside a date and time to go to the theme park with my family. We book our tickets, get ready on the day, pack our backpacks and we’re off. Arriving there, we have no clue which rides we’re going to do first or even do, no idea what time we’ll eat what, no idea really of anything. All we know is that we’re at the theme park and our intention is to have fun! The spontaneous thus happening within the arranged. This is a form of confirmation that happiness requires action.
Think about sex.
We create a space for the possibility to connect in this way.
What spontaneity says sex should be: Penetrative. Being ravished. Not having to control your thoughts. Being sexually confidant or at least so taken up in the moment that you don’t think about all the things you’re self-conscious about, not worrying about performance/ losing your erection or the fact that you’re mentally ticking off the to-do list BECAUSE spontaneous sex is so great that you won’t have to worry about it.
When we take spontaneity off the table: work at being aroused (or “in the mood”), experimental, losing your erection or arousal state due to unpleasant or intrusive thoughts, honest, intentional, fun, prioritizing the relationship, thinking “we should probably have sex, I’m not in the mood, but I know I’ll feel good afterwards, you’ll feel good and it’s great for the relationship”, prioritizing personal time, creating possibilities outside of the bedroom where you can connect with your partner, creative, imperfect.
If we are of the opinion that sex should be spontaneous, then, by inference, no drugs should be used to assist men suffering from impotence as the drugs must be taken before the sexual activity thus indicating a conscious decision.
Thought: All consensual sex happens within the arranged.
We need a different understanding of spontaneity whereupon we can place a different value. In order to be “spontaneous” we need to create a space. The creation of space in itself shows intent; a space in which we can move...i.e. be spontaneous. And that is the same with sex, creating a space in which we can move, in which there are possibilities.
As I’m typing this, I’m wondering whether these concepts are too heavy for anyone reading them. Do we need lighter reading materials as our daily loads are already so heavy? Thoughts of spontaneity can create isolation...that which should, isn't and in the isn't sits my confusion, pain, anger and disillusionment.
Our challenge is to sensitize ourselves to happiness, to sexuality, to understanding spontaneity more flexibly.
With Love,
Image by John Moeses Bauan, Unsplash
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