How to have better sex: Self Touch

Image compliments of Ava Sol, Unsplash

Why do we touch? Touch makes us feel good, loved, accepted.  We connect through touch and use it to relay emotions, motivations, intentions, even frustration or anger to those around us.

Touch is powerful and dynamic; it has the potential to build, maintain, break and heal. It occupies a stronghold within us; one we need to consciously nourish.

Self touch is masturbation, right?  Can we add "but not limited to"?  Self touch goes hand-in-hand with self exploration, enjoyment, appreciation, love and acceptance. It requires dedication and discipline. I once had a chat with a beautiful married woman, a mom, and asked whether she masturbated. She was shocked and embarrassed, replying that that area of her body is her husbands' responsibility. Uhm, is his penis your responsibility then? No sweetie, its your responsibility and we'll talk about that in a moment. Please yes, let him pleasure you but that doesn't mean he owns (or she) owns your vulva or vagina or your sexuality for that matter. Ultimately, when something goes wrong within any part of your body, it's your "responsibility", right? So why are the good stuff your body offers, limited to someone else? 

When we're in long-term or committed relationships, we tend to neglect our self-touch regime. It’s like doing the ironing when you could simply drop it off at the laundromat or have a domestic; we don't do it. You would need a solid reason to continue, or start, self touching.  But, that view is limited to the understanding that self touch is simply to achieve sexual release or satisfaction and that is a problematic, and very narrow perception of touch.

Self touch should be dedicated to getting to know your body and continue as a means of nourishing and rejuvenating yourself; an expression of self love and appreciation.  Let's remove the goal-orientated approach from self touch and start enjoying our bodies.  

• Firstly, schedule your self touch endeavours. It can be once a week, biweekly, once a month (bare minimum!) but schedule it.  Light a candle, put on relaxing music, BE relaxed, lock your door, have a class of wine or tea or whatever you enjoy. Touch yourself in the bath or bed or wherever you are comfortable and feel the least amount of stress or pressure. Taking baths usually works well for moms or women who are cohabitating as it enables them to set time aside guilt and explanation free. A friend of mine set her time aside and explained to her daughters that no-one is to bother her at all to which her daughter replied "Unless we are bleeding". Yes love, unless you are bleeding! It sets a nice example for our children; the importance of taking care of oneself and how to do it.
• Secondly, choose your location according to the amount of privacy you'll have. I will be referring to bathrooms a lot but don't be limited to this location. If you can close your bedroom door, all the better. Your sense of privacy is key to the enjoyment, and therefore success, of your experience. 
• Start by simply touching yourself to feel what your body feels like. It’s a double sensation. By touching yourself, your hand (thereby your palm and fingers, wrist, whatever else) experience the sensations of touching whilst the touched area, receives the touch.  
• Sensate focus exercises teach us non-demand touch; to touch without any expectation of a certain outcome. Get into the habit of touching yourself with no goal whatsoever other than to feel your own body. Touch your entire body. Sensuality and sexuality is not limited to the genital areas.  
• At some point, incorporate different textures into your touch regime as you progress on this journey. Note: try a smooth rock or any other inanimate object. 
• When you do want to bring yourself to orgasm, give yourself time. No 5-second rule applies here. First touch yourself in a non-demand way before heading for the big O.  If I can give advice here, have lubrication handy (male and female). Its simply more comfortable as your hands can move with ease regardless of whether you are wanting to achieve an orgasm. Remember, lubrication can be coconut or almond oil or whatever will leave you smelling great and feeling soft without causing skin irritation.
• Avoid always using a sexual toy to bring yourself to orgasm. They are great but you don't want to be dependent on battery power to enjoy an orgasm and it will rob you from the skin-to-skin sensation of touch. Don't get me wrong, battery power is POWER but we don't want to be dependent on these items AND the goal with self touch is touch, not orgasm. When we get to orgasm, awesome, and you will but you want to build on the ways you achieve it.
• It’s extremely important that you touch yourself with different strokes and firmness levels. Build on your touch repertoire. This benefits your confidence within yourself and also when with your partner(s).  
• If you are male and use to (1) touching yourself only to achieve sexual release and/or (2) have a very specific way in which you achieve this release, above is especially important to you. Use whatever time you are naked to touch yourself in different ways. If you use a hard, fast stroke to reach orgasm, no vagina/anus/other environment can replicate that movement and pressure, therefore start easing up a bit on the grip and speed but also incorporate bodily exploration as described above.
• Be mindful of your breathing.  Breathe deeply and evenly.
• RELAX YOUR MUSCLES. 
• Bonus: By knowing what type of touch you like and where, you can communicate this to your partner who will be so very grateful to be able to please you better. It is incredibly beneficial to your relationship (on all fronts). If I know how to touch my partner to please him/her, I feel good about myself therefore, it is not only a gift to yourself but to your partner as well. 
• Final note. Don't be too concerned if you're not in the mood to self touch but go ahead none the less. Self touch is one of the steps towards increasing libido. If you struggle with low sexual arousal or desire, please (seriously) contact me.  There is much we can do to improve your arousal and/or desire and absolutely no reason to go through life "not feeling it".    

Image by Micheile-Henderson, Unsplash

When you start on this journey, be disciplined and open to individual growth. Use the times you set apart to relax, breath, and accept yourself in that moment. Its a phenomenal opportunity to show kindness to yourself. Your body craves your acceptance and love. 

       

With Love,

Lynett O.