Although porn and alcohol use are different things, I’d like to think about not all wine being of the same quality, sourced the same way or consumed in the same manner. That’s porn right there. One set of individuals and couples may greatly benefit from including pornography in their lives, others may be neutral about it, neither caring one way or another, and some experiencing it as distressing and problematic. Within a relationship, our view of pornography is influenced by, amongst others, how we feel about ourselves, our personal values and how secure we feel in our relationship. It can be a challenge to distinguish safe and healthy porn use from unhealthy and problematic use.
Oh, in case you're wondering, porn refers to erotic material which is produced/made with the intention to sexually arouse or give pleasure to the viewer/user such as images, literature, motion pictures and sound recordings.
Dr. Jennifer Semmes did an article in 2017 on the Good, the Bad and the Ugly of pornography and I’d like to reiterate some of her views.
The Good:
- Porn (and masturbation) can help keep the couple’s sex drive high. Daily life can get in the way of our sex drives. Home Inc can take its toll (yes, home incorporated with washing, children, house chores etc). There is oftentimes little to remind us that we are sexual beings!
- In a relationship, we usually have a partner with a high and a partner with a low(er) sex drive. Simply put, one partner wants sex more than the other. It’s rare for couple to have the exact same sex drive. Porn can take the pressure off the partner with the lower sex drive.
- Watching porn together can breed arousal, novelty, make sex more playful and stress free.
- It can help the partner with the lower sex drive tap into their sexuality without it being a chore.
- Whilst pornography is not a documentary, it can be a good tool for couples or individuals to get to know their bodies and sexual preferences better.
- Pornography can be helpful when there is absence in the relationship and sexual needs are not able to be met by the partner.
The Bad:
- Can lead to a partner experiencing feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. Let’s face it, porn is a production; not a documentary. Actors are selected, bodies enhanced, scenes edited and behaviour and reactions intensified. Feelings of jealous or inadequate are tough and can put a lot of strain on a relationship.
- In my experience as Relationship and Sexuality Counsellor, a partner may feel that their porn watching partner is choosing porn over them. Had they received the attention and affection they crave, their partner’s porn watching wouldn’t be half as big an issue. This points to issues of intimacy and other relational problems which must be addressed.
- Some partners can become too reliant on porn for sexual release. This could also point to intimacy issues within a relationship. As Dr. Semmes put it, in a healthy relationship, porn use should be an adjunct to real intimacy, not a replacement.
- When we view pornography, we are introduced to different behaviours, fetishes and sexual preferences which we may find we…well…quite like! This could lead to discourse in a relationship. Discussions and feelings around these can be very difficult and must be handled with love and respect (handle with care!).
- Not all porn is ethical or in line with your value system. It is a good idea to discuss value systems and choose porn that is ethically produced.
- Pornography should never elicit shame and distrust in a couple. If this happens, open the discussion about porn’s effects on the relationship.
The Ugly:
[1]Here we will talk about signs of overuse or addiction to pornography. As noted above, around 5-8% of pornography users or use problematic. If you are concerned that your partner overuses or is addicted to porn, address your concerns with them and seek guidance from a professional. If someone is overusing, it may be a signal that there is a strain in your relationship. It may also mean that they have a legitimate addiction, either way, professional help is beneficial for recovery….
Gary Wilson describes the following warning signs and consequences in his book, Your Brain on Porn (2014):
- Addiction to pornography is a relatively new problem. Availability combined with accessibility can lead to heightened arousal and subsequent abuse. The arousal experienced by the brain is much like the brains response to a slot machine with its intermittent injection of neurochemicals that focus on the reward centers of the brain. The part of the brain that tells you to “do it again.”
- Risk for porn addiction is increased when use starts in adolescents, and research has shown that overuse leads to reduced grey matter in the brain in areas associated with cognitive functioning.
- Excessive porn use can cause antisocial and ADHD like symptoms, impairing the person’s desire and ability to form or maintain connections.
- Excessive use of pornography can cause the using partner to find real sex boring, or under stimulating. They can begin to develop sexual preferences that are uncharacteristic.
- They can begin to devalue their partner and see them as less attractive, intelligent, and compassionate.
- People who become addicted tend to seek out more intense and deviant porn, as tolerance increases. A lot of the more deviant porn portrays men in situations of dominance, which can change the way the user views and treats, their partner.
- Overuse can, and usually does, cause sexual dysfunction in men, namely delayed ejaculation or erectile dysfunction during sex.
As with all problems of abuse, early intervention is important for recovery. If you suspect pornography addiction is a problem for your partner, remember to express your concerns with love. If you feel you could benefit from further assistance with putting your relationship back together, please contact me.
With Love,
Image by Dainis Graveris, Unsplash
[1] Dr. Jennifer Semmes, August 22, 2017
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