[1]Communication is the bedrock of making your bed rock, but it’s also the foundation for every relationship we have.
"Communication isn't always about talking,
but I can promise you that one of the keys to great sex is an ability to talk
about it. I can also promise that it's easier to learn to talk about sex than
it is to learn to read minds." – Blogger, Corey Silverberg
Communication is a continuous process,
a constant conversation regardless of relationship type or duration. [2]It neither begins under the sheets nor ends after the last sweating
quiver. Our sexual desires change over
time. We may be into a bit of bondage today,
but this isn’t a lifetime deal; desires and preferences change (true story) so
the conversation needs to be ongoing.
To be honest, getting into the habit of talking
about sex can take guts…bravery if you will.
We long for our desires, wants, needs and fantasies (some) to be met but
we struggle to communicate them; fearing acceptance/ rejection. Communicating about something that can be as
intimate as sex, is communicating from a place of vulnerability but remember, “conversation”
implies you are not the only one sharing, it’s a two-way street. Vulnerability allows you to explore yourself
and can open a world of possibilities. Communication is an “us” thing, not a “me”
thing. [2]There
is more to communication during sex than saying “yes” and “no”. There is helping to get each other from “yes”
to “yes yes yes YES YES!”. During sex
itself (which can include foreplay), we are too often quiet, shy even though
we’re naked. We don’t want to tell our partner what we want, or what we need
them to do, for fear of ruining the mood. We don’t want them to take advice the wrong
way, or take them out of the moment. So, not ruining the moment implies that we need to be talking about sex when we're not having it, right? [3]Studies show that, whilst we should, we don't, and the reason is hypothesized as being the intrusion of every-day concerns whilst not making a conscious effort to get sex talk (which would actually make us happy; as good sex is...well, good for us!).
The
best sex is when two people are both genuinely enjoying the activity at hand. Mutual
excitement and enthusiasm are truly all you need.
How do we do this?
1) Purpose
The purpose
of talking about sex is to improve our sexual encounters which creates greater connection with our partners. We want to have great sex because it makes us feel good, accepted, loved and happy.
2) The Kitchen-table conversations
Whilst not
limited to the actual kitchen table, these conversations take place in an
every-day setting (not during sex) when all parties are relaxed and
comfortable, and takes a non-threatening, non-accusatory tone. I recommend starting
the conversation by mentioning things that is currently part of your sexual
encounters/activities that you like. You want to affirm your partner and receive affirmation in return. Mention additions to this and only then move on to what
you don’t enjoy. The focus is on enhancing the joint experience to incite joy,
intimacy, love, pleasure, fun….
-
Example:
Hey hun, I loved it when you #describewhatyouloved. It really turned me on. Would you #whatyou’dliketoinclude next
time? I want to feel what it’s like. OR I’ve had this fantasy about being cuffed
during XYZ. I’d love to try it out. How do you feel about that?
Remember, sex (in this
instance) is a min two-person game so be sensitive to your partners verbal and
non-verbal cues. Just because you mentioned
it (or your partner), doesn’t mean it’s an automatic green light.
Sex communication = informed consent and negotiation.
Photo by Julian Myles, Unsplash
3) Let your communication be…
….kind, respectful, supportive and patient. Ego’s are fragile, especially in such a sensitive
area. We want positive,
growth-orientated discussions and veer clear of name-shame-blame scenario’s.
4) Limits
When chatting to your partner(s), use "I" language; your sentences will sound kinder, be less likely to evoke defensiveness and be constructive.
Example: I enjoy it when you..../would like to try.../have this fantasy.....
5) Find the Humor
Include
humor in your conversations; actually, make sure you’re relaxed enough for
humor to simply form part of the conversation.
Sex is unscripted, it can lead to truly hilarious scenario’s…. Try not to take everything
too seriously and have fun with it.
When finally summoning up the courage to tell your partner a sexual
fantasy, include some humor. Sex should
be a happy event and talking about it a pleasurable, learning experience. Be inquisitive and interested!
6) Show and tell
When asking
your partner to change an existing technique or adapt a new technique, direct your partner in short
phrases/brief instructions (such as harder, faster, etc.) whilst using your hand to coach them. This signifies your willingness to fully engage yourself in the activity and your acceptance of your responsibility towards reaching pleasure.
Sometimes, your partner may act upon your desire for “faster” but inadvertently
include “harder”. When we get involved
and guide our partner(s), they are not alone, feel supported, gain confidence and an allegiance is formed. Plus, next time when you scream “harder!”
they’ll know exactly what you want!
7) You do you, I’ll do me
This may
sound daunting but can be exceptionally erotic.
Schedule an evening of demonstrating how you masturbate to your
partner. This could take the form of “I
do me and then you do you” or taking turns over a series of evenings; whatever you
feel comfortable with. Apart from being extremely
erotic, this is a great learning school for your partner to see what movements
turn you on. Your partner WANTS to please
you. Take the leap, reap the benefits….
8) Limits
Sex Talks
can help us define our hard and soft limits.
9) Communication during sex
Whatever
you communicate verbally or non-verbally, must be consistent with what you
actually want, believe and desire. If
you truly enjoy a certain activity, voice it (vocal affirmation, moans, groans,
etc.) or non-verbally such as pushing your pelvis towards your partner,
etc. If you don’t, move on to another
activity and chat about the activity you didn’t find pleasurable...during a
kitchen-table discussion.
Check in with your partner(s) during a sexual activity; we
can view this as common courtesy and/or part of being loving and caring towards
one’s partner(s).
10) Communication post sex
[2]You
don’t need to break down the blow-by-blow right after you finish. But you can
talk about what you liked, and what really worked for you. Remember, of course,
that after sex emotions are heightened, and the ebbing of adrenaline and endorphins
means that you aren’t in the perfect emotional state to talk.
Which
means that you can wait a little bit to talk about what you didn’t like.
And when you do, when you talk about the sex you had and the sex you wanted to
have, you should be kind, respectful, loving, patient and supportive. But most of all… be constructive.
11) Important!
Always communicate what you want, not what you think you should want.
The couple defines what sexy is.
Tips:
Make a list of all possible sexual activities you can think of with columns for YES, NO, MAYBE. Each partner gets a list, completes and compares. This can be an exciting discussion starter as well as “go to” for sexual encounters.
Watch sexual material together. Check out https://www.omgyes.com for realistic, short videos, editorials and loads of other sexually related and useful materials.
Read articles, blogs, books, anything you can get your hands on, together. Each partner will see the others dedication and it again opens an avenue for discussion and an opportunity to better the sexual encounters. Example: Hey, I just read this. Have you done this before and/or would you want to?
Final note, we’re all individuals; unique in our desires and what turns us on. What works with one partner may not make the cut with another. Remain open to learning and to growth. Sex is trial and error, but we have the assurance that our enthusiasm, open-mindedness and communication with our partner(s) will lead us to the glory lands.
With Love,
Lynett O.
Feature image by Toa Hetiba, UnSplash
[1] Laurie Mintz Ph.D. on Sexual Communication: The Bedrock to make your bed rock. Psychology Today.
[3] Baxter & Wilmot, 1984
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