I follow a plethora of sexuality and wellness sites and
influencers on social media platforms and have been so frustrated by the daily
calls to masturbate and the slaying of men who don’t know every inch of the clitoris
and surrounding structure. One sexual coach
even posted an “insight” clip stating the clitoris has 8000 nerve endings. It doesn’t, sweetie, is has 15 000! Anyway…
The frustration of the monotony of these messages along with its
implied reduction of what sexual health truly entails, is the driving force
behind today’s blog.
Disclaimer: Masturbation…very important, please continue, but
sexual health is not solely dependent on your masturbation schedule nor whether
you shave your body hair or not (just threw that in there for good measure!).
Today's blog is about being compassionate and kind towards
yourself. I’m a perfectionist so compassion towards
myself doesn’t come naturally. It’s hard being so hard on yourself! The weird thing
is that I have always known I was being super critical of myself, but I simply
couldn’t break free from this internal dialogue. Neff and Beretvas (2012) found that self-compassion among
heterosexual couples are associated with healthy relationship characteristics
such as emotional warmth and acceptance of one’s partner. Although the study notes its limitations in terms of lack of diverse couples, I am certain this finding applies to all relationship structures and sexual orientations. A study by Yarnell
and Neff 2013, also found that self-compassionate people handle conflict in
close relationships in a more balanced and healthy manner.
Our inner dialogue originates from our childhood and its truly
helpful to become aware and mindful, through therapy/ meditation/ or whatever approach
you prefer, of these underlying messages that is driving you and affecting how
you experience yourself, the world (being everything and one that isn’t you), and
how you are experienced by others. There is a need to “reality-proof” our thoughts because they will influence our emotions and dictate our behaviour.
Regardless where you are at in life, trying to figure out the
origin of that destructive inner dialogue or simply want to calm the voice, the
being that is you needs compassion, kindness, acceptance and love to flourish.
I’m busy with a document on Divorce Recovery and, in my research,
came across an exercise to introduce you to your Compassionate Other. Please do consider Reference [1] of this document as its a phenomenal source for individuals going through a breakup or desiring to let go of past hurts. The goal of the exercise is to create a Compassionate Other within
your psyche who would be all the good things to you, that you are struggling to
be to yourself at this point.
[1]Exercise Explained:
Make yourself comfortable. Conjure
up a person or being that emanates kindness, non-judgement, compassion, love,
acceptance, warmth, understanding and forgiveness. This can be someone you know
or don’t, a being, animal, whatever image represents the aforementioned
qualities to you. Once you have the image firmly in your head, take a few
breaths, center yourself, and connect with this being on an emotional
level (feelings). Feel this person’s love and acceptance. Just be in their presence.
The second leg of the exercise is sharing your emotions with this
person/being. Whatever comes to mind. And if you simply cry in their embrace, that’s
perfect. There’s no need to pretend or be strong; let them comfort you and show
you compassion and kindness. Absorb the response you get (yes, there'll be a response!).
Post exercise:
This is as important as it is one more step towards
firmly establishing the Compassionate Other in your mind.
- Make a list of the qualities your Compassionate Other possess; i.e. warmth, acceptance, kindness, etc.
- How did you feel when you talked to this being? For example, accepted, cared about, connected?
- What kind words or phrases did your Compassionate Other express to you?
- Write above down in a private document.
Whenever your inner critic becomes active, and it will, bring in
your Compassionate Other. The results will astound you! You are
actively working towards Positive Cognitive Restructuring, well done!
In the absence of a Compassionate Other, we will likely attempt to
silence our critical inner voice through sheer willpower but it’s not effective;
we need to replace it with something positive.
Whilst this is not the only journey or even the end of a journey
to changing your inner critic, it’s a phenomenal place to start! If you are suffering, I encourage you to work
through source 1 hereof or contact me so we can take a walk on the wild
side and bring you back home.
With Love,
Image by Jurien Huggins, Unsplash
[1]The DivorceRecovery Workbook, by Marks S. Rye, Phd. & Crystal Dea Moore, Phd
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