Sometimes we get caught up in the struggle of sex. What we want is pleasure, ease, enjoyment, playfulness, mutual engagement, sensuality, erotica …. but what we create is serious, stressful, goal orientated, disappointing and riddled with anxiety and fear.
When it comes to sex, it’s not just about the genitals that need to connect (be erect or lubricated), our whole-body must connect to our partner.
It creates a type of a stand-off where we’re on opposing ends with our partner which is the exact opposite of what we desire and long for. We wish to connect with our partner but we’re creating and sustaining a space where we don’t feel safe doing so. Surface solutions (things we conjure up in an attempt to spice up our sex life) may cause more despair than hope as they will either confirm your inner dismay or inevitably return to “normal” because the cause has not been addressed.
Here's how to begin the process of healing your sex life:
1. Own your Thoughts, Fears and Insecurities
We often project our thoughts, fears and insecurities onto the one we love. It’s a heck of a lot easier seeing it in you than admitting it to myself. This is where mindfulness comes in closely followed by responsibility taking. We must become aware of our thoughts, fears and insecurities. This can be hard work and you may want to visit a counsellor/therapist to help along the way; nothing like a neutral sounding board who can increase your insight and awareness with the added benefit of gaining tools to manage your thoughts and work through your fears and insecurities.
2. Assumptions
"There is no need for you to reject me because my assumptions of you and how you will react, has already done the job for you". In line with our thoughts, fears and insecurities, we consciously or unconsciously run scenario’s in our mind where we predetermine the outcome. I want to challenge you to become aware of the assumptions you have and to determine their origin. There will be assumptions that are based on actual events; i.e. every time you hug your partner while he/she is doing something and you are dismissed (thus, you experience this as rejection). What about a different approach? Next time your partner is busy doing something and you want to touch him/her, say “Hun, the moment you are done with that, I want to hold you so close!”, and then doing it? Sometimes we need to stop the humdrum of our partner with words followed by actions; intentions aren’t good enough here. Any hug shorter than 10 seconds don’t count; you have to help your partner ease into it. Be conscious in creating the connection you want.
Note: Sometimes we justify our inactions/ actions (inaction being an action) with our assumptions – all this happening in our heads without our partner even being part of the conversation.
3. The Therapy of Indulgence
Esther Perel strung these three words, "Therapy of Indulgence", together and they have since been my favourite three words beating “I Love You” hands down because even loving someone requires indulgence. The therapy of indulgence advocates you giving yourself permission to indulge. It has become so ingrained in us to be good at what we do (outcome focused/ goal orientated) and to be good in the general sense of the word; good citizens, good partners, good parents, good children to our parents….just good. But goodness is no good in the bedroom; it’s not being a lover. If I’m being so very “good” I’m not leaving much space for erotica. Think about this sentence: I want to use you and be used by you (in a consensual manner, of course). When you are intimate with someone, your enjoyment fuels their enjoyment and your “holding back” fuels their “holding back” resulting in another missed opportunity to fully connect with your partner. If you are holding it together whilst I’m submitting to my desires, I may become fearful of being shamed for my desires. Sexuality is a communicative experience of sensuality, pleasure, connection of emotion and of senses.
4. Confidence
A recent survey by O.school identified being grabbed tightly, being kissed with a lot of tongue and being caressed softly as the top activities to get people in the mood for sex. Why is this? These activities depict clear intent, consciousness and confidence. It says, “I want you!” and there is no bigger turn-on than confidence.
5. Myth: Men are always ready
There is a notion that men should always be ready for sex. When they are not, their partners experience this as rejection or a personal failure; as though they are not enough to excite their partner. Be mindful that men need attention and touch as much as women. We live such stressful lives, have so much on our plates, that being in the mood needs a process of getting in the mood. We need an element of fairness here. If you are the partner who isn't in the mood, a dialogue such as "Love, I'm so not where you are right now, can we take it a bit slower so I can get there?" and then making the effort. Pour that glass of wine and "cheers" over it, enter into a conversation that doesn't revolve around day-to-day life-maintenance, watch something erotic, put on the Love playlist... do whatever it takes.
Sex is not a thing you do, it's a place you go!
It is incredibly hard to change the way we think about sex and sexuality. The way we think about sex will determine how we feel about it, the emotions we experience, and subsequently our behaviour. There is but one answer, being conscious of your thoughts, willing to challenge them and putting in the work. It asks determination.
With Love,
Image by Yuris Alhumaydy, Unsplash
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