Self-love influences how comfortable we are with ourselves, what decisions we make, what we allow and forbid ourselves to think/ be/ consent to, the partner(s) we choose and the path our life takes.
There’s been various hypothesis and opinions around self-love; from Freuds’ view of self-love as being narcissistic, the Christian Bible which states “Love thy neighbour as thyself”, Calvin’s view on love as being a pest, rooted in a doctrine of self-contempt and self-hatred and Augustine’s struggle with and subsequent hatred of anything sexual related.
Most earlier views on identity and self-love were negative and much of those perceptions are still evident today. It also appears as though much of self-love were limited to sexual matters. These perceptions have a significant impact on the acceptance of the individual of their own sexual identity and the acceptance by other. It is very difficult to love and respect oneself in a society that preaches the opposite guided by their own inadequacies and fears.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders between 0.5 and 1 percent of the general population (50-75% being male) is diagnosed with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). The problem is therefore not an excess of self-love but rather a lack thereof.
Symptoms of lack of self-love:
Unhealthy vulnerability, being dependent to the point where one cannot be independent, possible addictive elements, self-loafing, lack of boundaries, lack of acceptance of others’ boundaries, disdain for self and others, pessimism, anger, difficulty in establishing own value system, anxiety, depression, feelings of not being good enough or worthy, critical inner-dialogue, self-absorbed, hostile, reduced quality of life, loss of personal power, moving away from the authentic self, and a laundry list of other equally negative actions, reactions, choices and consequences.
Low self-esteem is rooted in fear. You loaf yourself because you are unable to, in whatever aspect of your life, adhere to a perceived societal norm and there are consequences to not adhering to such norm. Therefore, you fear the supposed consequence and not your inability to comply. Fear may lead to frustration, feelings of inadequacy, disappointment and many of the symptoms listed above, plus some.
What does self-love look like?
Because I love myself, I am aware of my strengths therefore I am able to harness them to achieve the success (not limited to career) which I belief I am worthy off (not entitled to). I am able to set boundaries to protect myself and accept those of others. I act in my best interest. I am able to accept my weaknesses, acknowledge the influences they have on my decision making and life, and take control of them. I take responsibility for my choices, respect towards self and other, freedom to life an authentic life.
[1]“Be yourself and be for yourself”.
There need be no divide between
self-love and love of others. Simply
because I love myself does not mean I cannot love others, in fact, the more I
love myself the more I enable myself to love others. There is no quota on the amount of love we can
express or receive during a lifetime.
With Love,
Photo by Amy Shamblen on Unsplash
[1] Erich Seligmann Fromm
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