Date night. This concept is echoed in antenatal classes, among friends, in articles and just about every parenting blog focused on relationships post the birth of a little one.
Date-night entails booking a table at a restaurant, usually somewhat at the higher end of the spectrum, arranging a babysitter, dressing up (as in find a shirt that DOESN’T have milk or vomit on it) and dragging your feet to said restaurant. When seated, you find you have nothing to say to your partner that doesn’t revolve around your child. Advice runs through your mind “don’t talk about the baby!” but it’s to no avail. Sometimes you don’t talk about anything other than the baby because you feel your world has become so much smaller and that you have little else to contribute ito the conversation. The meal goes down well enough; nice not to be interrupted when you eat or to clean up after. You’ve checked your phone a good 10-times as it lies face up on the table, just in case you are needed, and conversation revolved around the following four topis: the baby/ children, work, finances and a home projects. Occasionally a “your parent, my parent” topic will join the traditional four but, all in all, date night has been…. well, a meal you didn’t prepare.
The question begs, what makes a GOOD date?
- Sense of a connection
- They make you feel special
- You relax
- Conversation flows
- You have fun (remember that fun can be chilled or thrilling)
- Laughter
- Mutually involved in the conversation
- Attraction
- Eye contact
- Proud to be with your date
- You feel good about yourself (ego boost)
Why doesn’t date night work?
- You’re sleep-deprived, stressed and possibly not a happy camper about your body (this goes both way! A lot of men gain weight along with their expectant wives)
- Stressed about finances
- You feel undesirable; sexiness factor has been replaced with a sense of parenthood and you may struggle to reconcile being a parent with being a desirable, sexy individual
- It was a mission to get dressed
- You’d swap date night in 0.2 seconds for a night of uninterrupted sleep!
- Conversation that doesn’t revolve around finances, children, work and home projects, are forced
- Difficult to connect with your partner on a romantic level
- You’re struggling to relax
- You’re not 100% comfortable with the person you left your child with
The concept of date night was introduced to remind couples to set aside time to reconnect with each other as romantic partners. But date night does the exact opposite. In fact, many a couple question the relationship after a few date nights because they find they have nothing in common with their partner. There’s little laughter, no connection, no fun, no satisfaction, and sex is forced afterwards. Relationship satisfaction drops.
You chose your partner for specific reasons and I’m guessing fun, laughter, connection and attraction were very much part of it! So let’s introduce those aspects post the birth of a child. Here’s what to do:
- Have a date-day/ morning/ afternoon oppose to a date-night
- Each partner to compile a list of activities you enjoy
(or enjoyed) followed by activities you'd like to give a go. Compare and agree on a few. Reality-check
these activities; are they specific, realistic, attainable, timeline? and what
measures need to be put into place for you to do them (i.e.
booking a nanny, date-checking with friends, finances, etc.). Remember, there’ll
be hits and misses; your couple identity is unique and dynamic
- Do something active: play putt-putt, go clay-pigeon shooting, hike, riding (motorcycling/ cycling with that special cuppachino somewhere on-route), take a dance class, check into a hotel for the night, get outside and active! Do something that takes up mind space so that you focus on the activity and this generates spontaneous conversation, laughter and fun.
- Do a fun activity with friends; this
way you get in your dose of social interaction with the added benefit of
sharing baby-sitter costs. If you decide to go out for
dinner, include a show or dancing; don’t spend the entire night sitting opposite/
next to your partner. The activity must induce conversation and promote the coupledom
- Make sure both parties are willing to try the activity; no use dragging an unwilling partner to an activity that is suppose to build the relationship
- Small activities can be as much fun, if not more, than insanely organized activities. It’s not all-or-nothing here
- Don’t take yourself too seriously!
You don’t lose your individual identity when you become a parent; you are still the person who likes to socialize, who enjoys a good session at the gym, does coffee dates or needs that weekly tennis game to remain sane! You are still that person and that is the person your partner fell in love with. This goes both ways. Not every fun activity needs to include your child (the survival of the couple-identity needs couple time!) and not every fun activity must include your partner. Bring your personality back into the game so that when you do have that dinner reservation, you are bringing yourself along.
Create opportunity for novelty whilst including things you enjoyed as a couple pre-parenthood. Book weekends and evenings long in advance so you can keep to it; written in stone. Make a list of things you’d like to try over the next year and tick them off as you go along. We’re working towards self-actualization as well as couple-actualization.
You'll do great! Get out there and play!
With love,
Image by Sept-Commercial-EnrusDZBZBc, Unsplash
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