I don’t think I’ve seen a couple-client in the last 3-months who haven’t considered an open relationship to solve the frustrations they’re experiencing in their current relationship. Open relationships are suddenly the go-to option; a get-out-of-jail-free card. The problem with this consideration is the motivation and the expectation driving it. The motivation is driven by the expectation which is that it’ll solve the problems experienced within the relationship with minimal effort. The reality is that open relationships require a huge amount of consistent effort, by both partners, on themselves and on the relationship. Opening up your marriage to save it, i.e. for the wrong reason as its motivated by inaccurate expectations, is the surest path to relationship destruction.
Before we continue, I am all for an open relationship subject to the motivation, expectation and the attitudes of all involved. Open relationships can provide a secure base from which to dive into exploration, authenticity, freedom and openness, spiritual and emotional growth, and fulfillment. It requires a clear understanding and adherence to consent, self-discovery, self-awareness, communication, honesty, boundaries, trust, fidelity, and commitment. [1]To practice non-monogamy, there are some key emotional skills you must have in common, qualities that will help you negotiate and nurture your relationships. If you don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want, or you feel insecure about yourself and your relationship, it will likely be difficult for you to navigate through non-monogamy. Engaging in self-reflection, processing your feelings with other people, and being willing to deal with conflict are necessary skills to create alternatives to monogamy. As you continue to ponder whether an open relationship is right for you, consider the significant elements that is required by such a relationship choice. The positives mentioned above is both an open relationships gift to you as well as your responsibility towards it, yourself and your partner(s). Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a great guide for couple's interested in an open relationship.
Let’s get back to the purpose of this blog.
My counselling room has transformed into a space where one partner proposes an open relationship, without prior communication around the subject or even an informed concept of what it entails, and the other vehemently rejecting it with strong feelings towards their partner for having proposed it to begin with. Our immediate factors to consider are (1) the reason for suggestion and (2) for rejection.
Suggestion: The individual proposing it often does so out of exasperation. They often feel they are to blame, inadequate, incompetent, unable to change the situation (or themselves); it’s a place of hopelessness. It can be a place of hiding "I am attempting to hide my sense of inability and in-adequateness behind non-monogamy" and/or of shifting responsibility, and blame, to the partner "I have given you a solution, you are not choosing it thus I no longer need to feel the guilt that's been weighing so heavily on me".
Rejection: The individual doing the rejecting often feels an enormous amount of frustration, anger, resentment, not being heard or validated, their frustrations not being important, disregarded; as though their partner had reduced their desire to connect to a mere physiological need, sex. This is accompanied by a sense of insult and, same as above, exasperation. These emotions come from a place of desperateness. I don’t want another, I seek a bond with you.
This is a hard place to be for a couple. Seeking out an open relationship because your relationship is in a rut, you don’t want to lose your partner, but you don’t see another way out, OR you are tired of feeling guilty and blamed and this could be your saving grace, then we need to talk…as in counselling; couples, individual, both.
Explore your intentions, explore your fears, explore your internal world and thereafter, show interest in your partners inner world. Write down your immediate emotions and then think about each of them individually. Get to know what lies behind your suggestion or rejection, then take it from there.
If your relationship is in a hard place, seek out help. Contact a professional to help you identify and understand what has created the rut, what is maintaining the rut, and how to create empathy to work your way to a healthy, fulfilling, kind and honest relationship.
With Love,
Image by Nathan Dumlao-Xi, Unsplash
[1] Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino
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