According to omgyes.com, the number one reason women don’t tell their partner how things can be more pleasurable: they’re afraid of hurting their feelings. We’re sitting with scenario’s where we want to improve our sex lives and achieve above, but we struggle to communicate our desires due to a fear of offending our partner. Just like every other activity in life, sex is something you can get better at with a little research and a lot of practice. For the most part, it’s a partnered activity. What if you include your partner in your research and voice your intention to experiment and practice? Here are some hints as to how to achieve this:
Research
Do some research. There are a plethora of sites and blogs dedicated to helping you upskill your sexual techniques. The most exciting approach is involving your partner in what you find; reading interesting blogs/sites/videos together and jotting down what you’d like to try or what you really don’t! Make a date to try some of the activities. Other methods of “research” is buying sex play-cards depicting sexual positions and trying a few. Its not always about position but, it provides a nice variant which you can use from time to time.
Be Realistic
Be realistic; porn isn’t real so be careful not to base your expectations on a production aimed at creating arousal.
Sex is experimental
Remember, sex is experimental. By accepting this, we acknowledge that experiments vary in results. Go easy on yourself and partner. Growing through sex and intimacy building should be a fun, pleasurable and relaxing experience. Not everything will be equally enjoyable. Some activities may be hits and some may be misses and that’s ok.
Positive Reinforcement
Positive reinforcement is, to a certain degree, based in kindness. When communicating with your partner about your likes and dislikes, whether that be during sex or as part of a general discussion, you want to emphasize what you like, such as “I love it when your tongue does that flicking thing” which can have multiple benefits: you can lead with “I love it when your tongue does that flicking thing more than I enjoy XYZ” thus telling your partner in a loving, supportive and motivational manner which action brings you more pleasure; you could also use it during sex to indicate to your partner which action you’d like “hun, do that flicking thing” and he/she’ll know exactly what you’re referring to and desire in the moment. With this approach, you can broaden the conversation to “I love the flicking thing; can we try to do it harder/softer/ sideways so I can see what feels the best?”.
Communicate
If you struggle to vocalize what your likes and dislikes, create other methods of communicating such as discussing non-verbal cues/signalling beforehand: pressing your partners arm a little harder when you like something, redirecting their hand/face a little according to what you like/dislike, groaning or breathing louder, moving your body in a way to signal pleasure, or guiding your partners hand or body. When you are with your partner, you enjoy receiving cues as it affirms what you are doing. You don’t want to consciously and relentlessly listen for cues but hearing the louder breath of your partner as you pleasure him/her, or a groan or being touched in a certain way, all acts as natural, in the moment cues to increase the pleasure of both. If you want to try something new, maybe discuss beforehand so that you don’t feel as insecure or experience performance anxiety. Tell your partner, “hey listen, I’d like to try this/that, let me know if it does anything for you” and then go for it. If you’re on the receiving end, help your partner by being honest, such as "It's not really doing anything for me. I like it more when you XYZ". If you want it harder or softer, be brave and say “could we try this a bit this/that way?. Obviously, we want to avoid constant redirection/ correction…that’s no fun either….but it’s an experiment so lean into the process, redirect maybe twice if you aren’t quite enjoying it as its being performed and, if it's still not enjoyable, maybe try it again on another occasion in a different way if you wish. The key is to communicate communicate communicate in whatever manner you are comfortable with. Challenge yourself!
No expert here
Neither of you are the expert in sex in your sexual relationship regardless of what you may think or how many partners you or your partner have had. Sex between the two of you is unique; no two bodies are the same therefore, if you tried something with a previous partner and didn’t enjoy it, it may be different with your new partner. You won’t know until you try.
Masturbate
One of the surest ways of bettering sex is to masturbate. You can’t communicate your likes and dislikes if you don’t know. Yes, we can be very lazy when it comes to masturbating but, if you want great sex, this is part of the route! Try sites like www.omgyes.com or https://climax.how/serie to guide you through self-exploration. These are also great because, if you try a technique that works for you, you can show the technique via the clips, to your partner. It opens communication and gives a nice indication to your partner of the actual activity. Books such as Sex for One or Orgasm for Two by Betty Dodson are great sources. For men, Fire on the Mountain: male genital massage by Joseph Kramer or Tantra massage techniques are all options to consider.
Humour
Nothing beats the ability to laugh at oneself. Some activities will be epic fails. Be honest and don’t be afraid to see the humour in whatever you’re attempting. Sometimes you can’t move your head because your hair is struck underneath your partners’ arm! We have to admit, some positions are truly funny if taken out of the context of sex so enjoy it for what it is.
We invest so much into our professional lives, house projects, children, education, finances, health…basically every aspect of life apart from sex. For some reason, we think it should all be so very natural. This is a fallacy. Pure penetration isn’t great sex; just “doing-it” is no longer good enough; we’re having sex for fun and intimacy. Great sex requires an investment from both you and your partner. My invitation to you is to go out and challenge yourself. Be honest, be brave, don't take it too personally and enjoy!
With love,
Image by Lidya Nada, Unsplash
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