[1]Self-actualization is a term “first coined by Kurt Goldstein” that most often refers to Abraham Maslow’s use of the term while outlining his hierarchy of needs. In his seminal paper about human motivation where he first introduced his hierarchy of needs, Maslow defined self-actualization by claiming that “what a man can be, he must be”. This need we may call self-actualization” (Maslow, 1943).
In other words, for our purposes, self-actualization can be thought of as the full realization of one’s creative, intellectual, or social potential. Since self-actualization is based on leveraging one’s abilities to reach one's potential, it's a very personal process and can greatly differ from person-to-person.
Having reached a certain stage of success in one area of life doesn't imply one has achieved self-actualization. This is a continues process and applicable to all facets of life. The journey is about being whilst becoming.
[2]The first part of self-actualization is accepting your true self. The second, equally important part is the understanding that the journey has no end point.
Here are four important steps to consider on your path to self-actualization:
- Know, understand and accept your own real self. Who are you as a sexual being, as an intellectual/ emotional/ spiritual being? Get to know your core values and needs. In her book, Dare to Lead, Brene Brown leads the reader to their core needs. Click here for an exercise to help you determine yours.
- Communicate your deepest thoughts and feelings to your partner. Not only will this deepen the intimacy, empathy and connection in your relationship, but it will propel you towards tremendous personal growth. Our thoughts and feelings become less intimating and loses much of it's power once shared.
- Enhance your own self-esteem. The key here is to go out and DO things but, be clever. Interestingly, we feel the best about ourselves when we do things for others (in need). My advice is to create a list of things you'd like to try or take up again, and next to it, a list as to how you can serve a community or someone in need in some way. My daughter and I sometimes bake muffins and hand them out on-route to school. This is an affordable way that actually changes someone's day. Be creative!
- Enhance your own sexual self-esteem. Determine what fuels your sexual self-esteem; what makes you feel desired, sexy and grrrrrr. It could be 'I feel sexy when I exercise because I'm less shy in bed' or 'It makes me feel really good to do this thing my partner enjoys; I'd like to find more ways of pleasing him/her'. Build on these; establish the place they have in your life, enhance where you'd like. The key is CONSCIOUS EFFORT.
How can we achieve above?
- Stop measuring yourself against others.
- Learn to accept yourself holistically. Our challenge will always be unconditional acceptance of ourselves.
- Understand that you are in control.
- Don’t stop growing. Again, make a conscious effort towards continues growth. Think about SMART goals.
Other-Actualization takes, in some sense, the form of acceptance and empathy towards one's partner. [3]Prof JC Lemmer states four aspects to Other-Actualization:
- Know, understand and accept the real self of your partner: Other-Actualization requires that we provide a safe, understanding and encouraging space for our partner to grow. To accept who our partner really is, not what we want him/her to be.
- Listen understand and respect the thoughts & feelings of your partner: validating your partner in this process and supporting them.
- Enhance your partners’ self-esteem: Realize your partner is an individual as well and require compliments (realistic; not unrealistic) and place value in their abilities.
- Enhance the sexual self-esteem if your partner: through communication and positive sexual experiences.
Note: We are often at risk, especially in the early stages of a relationship to try and change our partner in order for them to fit into a mold of your design. We want our partner to act a certain way and that is what we want, not our partner, and therefore its counter-productive to other-actualization. This can go both ways.
Establish your values, set your goals and fill in the spaces of your life with things and people that promotes your growth. Our inner circle is a sacred space; fill it with people who will encourage you on your life-journey.
With Love,
Image by Alysha Rosly, Unsplash
[1] What is Self-Actualization: A Definition + Examples [2018 Update], 5 May 2017. https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/self-actualization/#what
[2] R. Kay Green on 4 Steps to Self-Actualization and Becoming the Best Version of You Mar 19, 2013 https://www.huffingtonpost.com/r-kay-green/personal-development_b_2479253.html
[3] J C Lemmer 2013, 2016 Self-Actualisation In 8 Core Elements of a Relationship - Lemmer
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