The moment we realize we are becoming parents, we go into stress mode. Sometimes this includes a happy dance and other times it involves a moment alone in the bathroom/garden/mountain top as we come to terms with this reality. We start questioning ourselves as to whether we'll be good parents, are we even ready to be parents...and then the prep starts. Finances are scrutinized, the safety of baby products investigated, our homes are baby proofed, books read and weekly updates on the development of your future offspring followed with great interest and excitement. Almost all conversations either starts or inevitably ends with "the baby".
The one thing we are not preparing, is our relationship. We're in agreement, all the baby prep work is necessary...and so is emotionally preparing our relationship for one of, if not the most, significant and permanent changes it’ll ever undergo. We are entering a world in which uncertainty, at least in the beginning, is the norm. We’ll constantly try our best, fail, try again, go through periods of sleep deprivation and irritability and do “the fairness check”, where we compare what each partner is contributing.
Our challenge becomes (1) keeping our littlee alive and well, and (2) redefining our relationship by creating ways to maintain the couple identity. Here are some tips to get you started on the journey:
- Assess your relationship dynamics. What defines you as a couple and makes your relationship work? There's an intimacy interplay between couples that is underlined by their couple identity. Have a conversation about what sets your relationship apart.
- What defines your individual identity? What makes you feel good about yourself and what deducts from it? These will be important areas once your little one has arrived. We're working towards creating awareness of what will be under attack so we can create growth opportunities as well as coping mechanisms. Remember, our expectations will come across strongest once they aren't met.
- Redefining relationship roles, discussing and navigating expectations in the face of change. This area is such a great place of personal and relationship growth. Create a safe space to discuss what your current relationship roles are, what the expectations are going forward and negotiate your way around your perceptions of parenthood.
- Adapting. The best advice is to get ready to become flexible. And this is good. There is movement and growth in flexibility. Wave a brave farewell to rigid beliefs and get ready to sail the open seas. Have fun and honest conversations with those you love or parent support groups (a great idea is to make friends with those you attend antenatal classes with as you will pretty soon be going through the same) and see the humor in the unplanned. My journey in accepting I'm fallible and seeing the humor in the unplanned started the day my daughter was born; actually, she wasn't even born the way we planned!
- Dismissing and replacing the “date-night” concept. I wrote a blog about date-nights a while ago. We want to reintroduce fun into the time we spend with our partner. Life post birth can become very serious very quickly. We have a little human who is solely dependent on us for it's survival.
- Sex post birth. This is such a discussion. Educate yourself to know what to expect. Have an open discussion with your partner as to how you'll navigate this. Remember to be flexible whilst being informed (which is the best kind of flexible!).
Little ones deserve happy parents. Contact me for info on my online workshop "Emotionally Preparing your relationship for Parenthood".
With Love,
Image by Andrea Bertozzini, Unsplash
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